The Circle of Life

Iman & Imran,
I watched as the both of you struggled
To sit on the chair I take for granted;
To put the spoon into your mouth to
Feed on the food with less salt less sugar less oil.
You struggled to put on your little shirts;
To put a shoe into the correct foot.
Your eyes huge as I counted how many times you blink
Because in your innocence you do not.
And most of all,
I watch as you desperately try to say words I choose not to say
Anymore.
Iman & Imran,
I took you to see your Great-Grandfather just the other day.
NYANG SIHES.
Wasting away in a bed-confining stroke.
How like you he is...
As I watched him struggle to sit on his chair with wheels,
To put the spoon into his mouth to
Feed on his food with little sugar little salt little oil...
He could not put on his own shirt,
He could not put on his own shoes,
His eyes small with aged wisdom and teary because
He can no longer say the words he wanted to say
To you -
His Great Grandsons Umar Iman and Umar Imran.

And I say Subhanallah...Praise be to Allah..
How very alike the three of you are:
Two boys at age two, eager and waiting,
The man at age eighty, tired,
and also waiting..

for the Circle of Life to come around.

Ask...Me

I'm Iman and I'm writing on behalf of Nenek for this post. Nenek always tells me things so I know what the poem means to her. When I was a wee baby she loved to sing me and Imran the song `You Are My Sunshine' and even the simple lines have a meaning that only she understands.
Anyway, the poem `Ask Me' is all about Nenek's reflection on life. She finds solace in the steady rhythm, and a comfort in knowing that what is around her surpasses our human concerns.
There are 2 important messages in the poem. One is about how we live our life and next is about people around us.
Nenek's 2nd post, the one about Sleeping Beauty, is a metaphor for her life. Imran and I know that Nenek had gone through a period of depression, that is why the line `Please don't take my sunshine away' meant so much to her. It's about us, it's about people around Nenek. She had left so much behind in her quest to move forward. She has more or less rebuilt her life and what you see now is a new woman; stronger, more confident of herself and definitely very optimistic. "Ask me whether what I have done is my life"...and it is HER life after all. Nenek is no longer a skeptical person. People have come and go in her life. Friends appear in the realm of maybe-help-maybe-hurt, and she has to let go of several `friends'. We know she had one special friend because she (this woman) used to carry us in her arms when we were babies, and she was pretty but maybe she had hurt Nenek in ways which we do not know of. Some others were backstabbers, and Nenek would use her Theory of Elimination: eliminate these people from her life. You see, Nenek is beyond caring now. She always said that Imran and I are her whole world. She loves too much and too deeply...but sometimes people don't understand her. She loves my uncle and my aunties, Papa, Mama, my grandfather Atuk, but she cannot demonstrate her love because she came from a rather conservative family in Kota Bharu (ask my Atuk..). Nenek would rather keep her peace than scream in loud quarrels but her silence is more frightening (ask her students..). She's rather Victorian in that manner, you know, taking her grief away from public eyes and all that.Nenek thinks that her undemonstrativeness (?), her silences, her quietness, her conservativeness... these are her `mistakes'. Life is complicated...but Nenek has found a new lease of life in us, her grandsons. We hope we don't disappoint her, but Nenek doesn't care. She doesn't care anymore because "what difference [does] their strongest love or hate has made". People she loved had turned against her and threw hateful words in her face...people she loved and trusted had betrayed her...but Nenek has risen above all pettiness, surfaced and showed them that she is above all these "comings and goings". Now Nenek smiles and laughs again because she can now "turn and look at the silent river and wait."
And in my and Imran's small world, Nenek' love matters. She kisses all our pains away. Ask me, and I will tell you that grandmothers are simply...GRAND.

[Can I stop now? My fingers ache...].

Ask Me - William Stafford

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt - ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.
I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

I'll leave the poem (by Wiliam Stafford) to be paraphrased by my followers because it should be interesting to find out how you personally relate to it...Misty should have a fair bit to say, with all your experiences, eh, or maybe Fadinha is younger but has learnt more of life. Or maybe Emek as English teacher would be able to add meaning to these lines.
Poetry is very deep and it is my favourite genre. So much is said in so few lines, and this poem is especially poignant although it is in free verse. Spontaneity and depth of thought conveys the philosophy which is actually very thinly disguised here.
Then I will say why I have chosen to write about `Ask Me' in my next post.

Twins in Baby Phat

IMAN trying to be a pirate down here and IMRAN with the case on..

Kimora should design baby-proof sunglasses for her Baby Phat collection because Iman has just demolished mine, and Imran is happy with just wearing the case on his forehead. Whatever. They were only too happy to pose for Nenek's camera...the innocence of 2-year-olds! And the carelessness of a 54-year-young granny.

Twins' 1st Visit to Desaru

That's Imran calling out "Ayiii...!" as he looked for Ali. Video recorded in February.

Twins in Nenek's hat

This is ...............IMAN..............and this is ..........IMRAN...................................

wearing Nenek's hat. Oh no, I don't wear hats normally but this one was given to me by Nurul when she and Adam went Bali for their honeymoon way back in 2007, and after the hat, they both gave me this adorable pair of twins!

Bits&Pieces

Tried uploading a video clip of the twins' 2nd birthday, but I've been waiting for so long for a message to appear to say that it's done. Guess I'll have to try again tomorrow. This blogging is a thrilling new thing for me and I'm trying everything on my own so maybe something's not right. Fadinha would love this one. For all the bullying on Iman, Imran is fearful of the candles after all! And there were only two on the cake...wait till he has 57 to blow...!!! He'd have the whole Fire Brigade on guard! With apologies to Certain People Who Are Really 57...(Tried making him sleep tonight and he shut his eyes very tight but forgot to close his mouth, he was grinning and his dimples were as deep as soup bowls..)

ImanImran

This is Imran on the left, and Iman above, and the reason they come in separate pictures is that they will never stand still together for more than 3 seconds! And nenek is too much of an amateur with the camera and each time a shot is taken, it is such a feat that I feel a muscle somewhere has got twisted.

So...these are the two dynamites who have, in a big way, taken over my life. And anyone would, too, if they are hugged and kissed by them for no apparent reason, except that their love is so pure and their trust in you so great.

Age & Image

I'd rather be a chameleon
and change my colours
to suit my surroundings;
but I'm not a chameleon.

An original free verse! Just how important image is especially to a woman in this topsy-turvy times. There's so much obligation to fulfill, can she ever be herself? Or does she go ahead and have courage to do what I've done?
About 5 years ago I decided I'd stop fooling myself, trying to be whom I was not. It was tentatively tried at first because I was still serving in the government sector where a certain decorum is expected of one; so I thought I was happy being archtypical...quintessential...safety in numbers, whatever, except that in group photographs every other lady looks like the next woman: long loose floral shirt over black baggy pants, black handbag, black court shoes and a so-called `matching' scarf tied below her chin. And that is considered being `modern', you know, otherwise, it should be the baju kurung only then will you be the Real Model Teacher.
And can anyone tell me what a grandmother should look like?
Am I that radical just because I let my hair long and loose and I call myself a `Nenek'? OK, I've got a bit of highlight here and there; alright, I admit I do go for colours also but it's absolutely out of necessity...Oh? those red heels? They're by Scholl and meant for old dames like me: stable. My jackets too? They're to keep my aging chest from catching cold. What, even my Burberry and Fendi handbags? They're original. You mean once you hit my age a woman should NOT go for labels and brands? Whose rules?
So you see, there are all those unwritten laws that govern a (Malay) woman's image. Especially a grand-mother. No make up...no fancy outfits...no heels...stay home and rock-a-bye-baby like Mother Goose. Get fat! Babies need all your fat to cushion their softness and frailty. The kitchen, not the office; cook, not chase clients; and knit, oh yes..or in our part of the world, crochet or sew patchworks.
No wonder whenever I hold Iman and Imran's hands when I take them to the Malls and of course they HAD to scream `NENEK!!!" out of sheer excitement, I inevitably get hostile looks from women. "Who does she think she is...two grandsons and still acting young.."
All I can say is..well, I AM young.
The best congratulatory wish I received when I became a grandmother came from YAM(Yang Amat Mulia) Tunku Shahariah binti Almarhum Tunku Abdul Rahman who said "Congratulations, Rohani...don't they make you feel YOUNG again?" very unlike most who smartly commented " Wah, dah jadi nenek, dah tua rupanya."
Seriously, though, I feel that a woman should not succumb to her situation just because society dictates that she should be and look like so-and-so. Do not over-do it, of course. The rule of the thumb is that in clothings, there must be one loose item on you. If you wear a biggish blouse, then put on tapered pants, and a bit of heel. Flats will make you look and feel sloppy. If you wear loose flowing pants, then a small short shirt and a well-cut cardigan that goes just below your waistline is smart. Do not show your behind. Do not show your midriff because well, oftimes at our age, it is not very pretty and not as taut as that teenager's over there.
The bottom line is the way a grandmother behaves. You can be covered from head to toe but if you scream and yell and guffaw like a hyena, well then, you are just another woman. Or if you cover your head and not a single strand of hair shows, but you wear a t-shirt with cap-sleeves or a skirt that stops at calf-length and a pair of green Crocs bought at the night market...then I'd say wham bam thank you ma'am, I'll go scarfless but still be a lady. And still be a grandmother. A Grand Mother. That adjective is there for a reason.

Adult TV

It's Sunday and a day away from PHDC - Play House Disney! A time for Nenek to watch some adult TV and I've always liked the discussions on Astro Awani.
This morning the panel spoke about "How do children see the World?"...and to expand on this view, I have my 2-sen worth of opinion. The knowledgeable panel spoke about children's observation, about nature vs. nurture, even about fetal absorption of `knowledge'. My 17 years at an Institution that trains teachers and wannabes, my part-time stints at a private university and general observation contribute largely to what I am about to disclose.
I will focus on the most recent experience of supervising 6 research students from a private U doing their First Degree in TESL. Last week, to be exact.
They were all teachers from semi-urban schools. They claimed in their papers that their students were `slow learners' or `below average' to justify their research topics. They investigated the kids' background, their cultural and racial origins, they made conclusions. And their topics to be `researched' into? Vocabulary ..Grammar...Pronunciation...Use songs, use pictures, use force even...and I can bet the kids' level of English will remain the same.
Do not blame the children. I partly blame the teachers and their attitudes.. Their topics reflect their lack of enthusiasm; the teachers sadly lack creativity; they have chosen topics so ordinary and where millions of researchers have done. All these teachers wanted is a degree so that they earn better pay. I had to correct THEIR own Grammar ("Why did the students wanted to learn songs?")and Vocabulary ("The control group was very effected by their learning method.")
I had suggested Drama but nobody took the challenge. What..all those hours of practice and rehearsals? No way Jose..
So HOW do children see the world, if not through the eyes of their teachers? Among children to whom English is a foreign language, these teachers are blaming the children for being `slow learners'. Label. That was what the Panel discussed this morning. How quickly and defensively we affix labels to save our own conscience.
Children idolise their teachers. The younger they are, the more they love their mentors. Teachers represent a brave new world to them. I already fear for my Iman and Imran. What kind of teachers will they get in their Kindergarten, will they be able to see the world through the teacher? Will the teacher be hardworking enough, concerned enough, and dedicated enough to bring them out in the morning for a stroll in the school yard to show them the different shapes of leaves and flowers? Will the teacher allow little grasshoppers to crawl on the twins' hands? Or will the teachers, like many do, merely flick open pages of science books?
Or, will everyone, like the Panel (they were educationists), accuse the parents? Or grandparents? Neneks?
My apprehension is real.

William Blake wrote this little poem in the 19thC:

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

I had never given this poem much thought until recently when I walked with the twins in the yard. The meaning of `life-long education' became so real when I watched Iman pick a dry leaf that fell from the cempedak tree, and held it so tightly as if it was the most precious thing in his life.Imran found a piece of gravel and screamed with so much pleasure that I allowed him to grasp it in his tiny fist, dirt and all.
To see the world through the eyes of a child is to wake up from a dream. How many of us have forgotten what a drop of rain feels like? Why do we growl when it rains or scowl when it's hot? Nothing is right anymore. Even the food we push into our mouths is never really perfect. But if we could hold infinity in the palm of our hand, to pause a little while from thinking about our woes and sorrows, then perhaps we will see the beauty and blessings in so many things.
I have a video of ImanImran jumping and yelling and dancing and all because I said "Let's go out for a drive." And for so many years BT (Before the Twins) that phrase bears no meaning unless it's attached with "...to the Pavilion" or any specific destination of my pleasure.
And that is why my early retirement from a routine job gives so much room to plan my day. Mornings until their nap-time at noon is for the babes; afternoons for paperwork and my evenings for meetings with clients. And there is 'eternity in an hour' if you can train your brain to think and plan as you bounce a baby -or two-on your lap. Oh, I mean a baby. The little mite under two years of age?? That kind.

A Wake-Up Story

Nenek's going to tell you a wake-up story, my little boys..not a bedtime one because that will make you sleep. My wake-up story is meant as an eye-opener because it opened up mine. So listen, ImanImran..and stop chewing on Mickey's ears. I need their ears as well...
Before you twins came along, my life had been different...very, very different. I had my Sleeping Beauty's 100 years of peaceful slumber. But I awoke differently because Prince Charming did not appear to kiss me out of that sleep, for if he did (kissed me, that is), I would have continued with another 100 years of indifference. No, my lads, Prince Charming used a totally brutal tactic: he abandoned me in that wilderness, amidst thorns and wild growths. I struggled out of the worst, deepest part of the jungle and I got bruised, cut and stabbed. But I survive, Allah is Great, and I am still journeying out. My ego is equally affected...I mean, there I was, lying back waiting for the eternal kiss of life, and where has my Prince gone? Busy hunting down fire-spitting dragons, busy trying to be the Knight in Shining Armour, busybusybusy.
Remember what the good fairies have wished upon Sleeping Beauty at her birth? That she would be kind and gentle, caring and sweet, forgiving and patient, and I believe I have some of those qualities still, with one or two additional traits because the struggle out of the wilderness have made me determined, smart, cautious and above all, strong. (I only go weak in my heart when both of you plant your wet kisses on my cheeks and squeal "Nenek!")
When you grow up, you will know your Nenek as a successful businesswoman. My coach would be a real Jaguar, not a pumpkin. My liveried footmen would be real-life bouncers with real muscles, not pip-squeak mice...
ImanImran, your Nenek has metamorphosised from a complacent teacher into a calculative tradeswoman. And all because life has a different design for me. I believe I am meant to be a better person because my experiences in the jungle of emotions have taught me well. But I am not cold-hearted. I cannot be, I have the both of you and who needs a Fairy Godmother when she can have not one, but TWO, cherubs by her side??
Iman: "But Nenek, what's the moral of this tale?"
Nenek:"We must never, ever take life for granted. Never, ever take anything for granted."
Imran:"I don't understand."
Nenek:"Never mind...wait till you're two and a half years old."

golly...

GollyWhatAmIDoing...?
WhatHaveIDone...?

Got myself out of my cosy and well, pretty unchallenging job as English lecturer...and plunge head first into a world so foreign and bewildering and gripping and now there's no turning back! I've always left this world to those who know it best, I would rather curl up with DH Lawrence or even Roald Dahl for my students' classes and yaaawnnn like a well-fed cat on the couch, while waiting for the maid to serve my lunch or that plate of oily jemput-jemput pisang. How simple my life had been, how uncomplicated. Dewy-eyed, languid, composed, lazy...say it, it would fit me perfectly. Find me at Starbucks at 11 a.m. with hot macchiato and that signature donut while taking a breather from shopping for that bit of clothing that I MUST have. My calls would often be unreturned because there I was in Bangkok or Beijing or once or twice, in olde London.

When did my world change? What had metamorphosised me? And most importantly, do I really understand myself now? (gotta pick up ImanImran for a spin in my arms then I'll sit and reflect...)

FirstTimeNenek

When the twins were born 2 years ago, they naturally made me a grandmother. It's that simple, but ah..not as simple as one would think. You have to be one to really, really know. If you are as involved as I feel I am, then you will understand me.

I knew my little grandsons when they were in their Mama's womb...I knew I would make a `claim' on them as soon as I set my eyes on their tiny little helpless selves sharing the crib as they were wheeled out of the Labour Room. From that moment on, there was no stopping me.

Share the scribbles in my Blog to know the story of my life, and why the babies are my entire universe.

You will continuously learn about the magic of Umar Iman and Umar Imran, two wonder babies, as identical as the proverbial peas in a pod. But how different in character and personality! How well developed are their differences at 24 months. Everyday is a thrilling learning experience for me...the FirstTimeNenek.