Read many times about these `evil' children who sent their parents to a Home. Society frowns and wag their fingers, "No no no". They bore you, raised you, had sleepless nights, and now, you are sending them off to a Home? How cruel could you be?
But let me ask the parents out there: would you rather stay in an empty house, if you're lucky, there would be the both of you, otherwise, no spouse to keep you company? Or would you opt for a Home where you would meet other people your age and make new acquaintances?
When I was in Kluang, I visited one such place, but this one was so different that I cannot forget it. It's a day care centre for the elderly, and I thought the idea was really good. The residents were not really old, but they went there because their children were busy with their own lives and they were alone anyway. There were plots of land where they could plant, otherwise, they appeared contented enough to just read and chat.
I suppose what makes a Home notorious is the picture we get of neglect and loneliness. But what if a Home is one that is open, airy, cheerful and bustling? Where the residents are neat and tidy and smiling? What if there are enough activities to keep them occupied? Is there any motivational talks given to them? Or, does society look upon these elders as useless old folks who have to be fed and cleaned?
It is SAD, is it not, to suddenly be deemed a liability once your services to society is over? The dignity is robbed off them...
I have an uncle who used to say that he would like his children to put him in a Home if he became a nuisance, and I remember everyone being shocked at this suggestion. And his children dutifully shook their heads and said No, Papa, no. We will look after you, til death do we part.
Let's be honest. Let's be real. Let's put ourselves in our parents' shoes. Let's create a scenario, shall we..
We have one parent left. A mother in her late 70's, and she's just beginning to forget, so sometimes she repeats herself. Years of cooking and cleaning for the family tires her and so she often takes her naps now or these jobs bore her. We are busy with our own professions. Our children, too, are grown and working. There is one school-going child left at home, and we expect our mother to look after this one. Cook, clean the house, do the laundry, be a `jaga', in short, to `earn' her keep in the house. Or, if there is a baby, she looks after it. At night, we go out for dinners, and Mak locks the door after us. Baby would fret and not sleep. We come back past midnight, and Baby would still be up and active. "Kejap, Mak..nak tukar baju.." and we fell flop on the bed and "ter-tidur". Mak takes the baby to bed with her. Mak overslept the next morning and does not make drinks for spouse and us and we ...frown. Mak's day begins all over again.
Do we remember her birthday? Mother's Day? Oh the annual piece of material for Hari Raya suffices..old women do not need much.
I wonder how Mak feels all day long. Do not worry about what she DOES, think about what she FEELS and THINKS. Her heart and her mind, two elements that keep her going long after our father did.
Compare this to another scene.
At 8 in the morning we take our baby AND our mother to a day care centre. There, she would mingle with other old women. They chat, they read the Quran or newspapers (like my own Che would...and she would tell us later that Erra Fazira is still married to Engku Emran..), they rub each other's back or leg or arthritis-ridden joints; they share stories or gossips about this daughter-in-law and that son-in-law; they chatchatchat all day long. They eat lunch and drink tea and perhaps dig a bit of garden there and sew a bit if their eyesight still permits. At 6pm, we take our baby and our mother home. Have dinner, and share pieces of news.
I just wonder, for saying so much, if THIS is what I would want for myself.
Perhaps I would.
But the Home would have to be...my OWN. I would manage it, have Nurses to help look after the ladies. I would organise activities or call in volunteers. Day trips to places they had never been to before. It need not be their Bucket List, but a pailful of wishes would not hurt. Celebrate birthdays...have our own in-house Quran-reading competition..fashion shows even! Yes, a `Ladies' Night', why not? Grand-daughters to help with make-up, grandsons to do the decor.
Golly, this excites me...
So, sons and daughters, if sending your parent/s to a Home is a good, KIND option, I would say..why not? But do not abandon them there. Because all elders love to come back and look you in the face and to know that you are safe and happy. And most of all, like me, they love to embrace a grandchild and to be rewarded with a huge wet kiss on our cheek..and to be asked in lisping voice, "Apa Nenek 'oing?" ("Apa Nenek doing?").
Think. While you and I still can.
Feel. So that we know.
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